Fairly high on my list of 100 Things To Do In 2015 is ‘Dye My Hair Blonde’.
As mentioned previously, I’ve now done this (yay!) but since I mentioned it in passing I wanted to devote a full post to this, as it is very important to me. It may seem trivial, or even vain, but there are very good reasons this is so important to me.
Why I Had To Dye My Hair Blonde
I first started to dye my hair blonde when I was about thirteen. Unlike most things I was doing at that age which were all aimed at changing my body and appearance, this was aimed at maintaining my appearance – I was blonde when I was younger, and my hair going darker and turning brown did not feel right. Looking in the mirror, I remember feeling much as I do at the moment – that a stranger was looking back.
Brown just wasn’t me.
‘Me’ Is this bright young thing, with her lovely long, blonde, straight hair. I believe this photo was actually taken before I had developed any issues with my body, and you can tell by the look on my face. Catch me a couple of years later and it’s a totally different story. This image is of someone who has no compunctions about being in front of a camera. Stick me in front of a camera later in life, and there’s always something lingering in my eyes, even if my lips are smiling.
Blonde is me.
A version of me who loves herself.
At one point in my life this became a problem – I loved myself a little too much. This is why the blonde was dyed dark. That, however, is long behind me now.
Now I’m in a place in which I’m attempting to learn to love myself. I’m attempting to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m attempting o feel like ‘me’ again.
For this reason, I had to dye my hair blonde again. I was simply too much of a stranger with hair any other colour. It’s still not quite the right colour – it’s kind of a honey blonde now, rather than the ash blonde I’m used to, but it will get there. And I’ll be glad when it does.
I’ll be relieved.
Just as I am relieved whenever I succeed in shedding a few pounds, I’m relieved at this small step back towards my usual hair. It feels like positive progress at last.
(My) Confidence is Skin Deep
The picture below was taken this morning, just before I left for my interview. I was feeling reasonably confident, especially with my hair looking nice (I had it done at the hair dressers yesterday). A very good friend of mine read my Doppelganger post and requested a photo of my newly blonde hair. I actually took this photo for her, but I decided to post it on here for several reasons.
First, it seemed silly not to have a visual record of my hair’s progress back to its normal state.
Second, other people have asked for a photo.
Third, I wanted to demonstrate that weight gain is not the only distressing and very visible side effect to my medication. This image was taken on my webcam, in front of a brightly lit window, with full makeup, and as you can see, my skin is still visibly bad.
I’ve had terrible trouble with my skin since going on meds, and this is yet one more thing that knocks my confidence and threatens to keep me isolated and alone. It is also one more reason I am so determined to make my new bipolar diet work. Not only will the diet, exercise, and treatment plan mean coming off the meds, but eating so healthily should (I hope!) do wonders for my skin.
We shall see! I’ll keep you posted with progress shots (this is how much I love you – I HATE having my photo taken at the moment!).